First Love
four: we'll cross that bridge when we get there
Word count: 2.8k
Reading time: 21 minutes cw//angst, profanity |
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“What are your favorite kinds of pictures to take?”
You were getting to know each other in ways that you’d never experienced in previous relationships. Every night with him was filled with conversations, deep thoughts, things neither of you had ever talked about with other people…things you never even wanted to with other people. You faced each other, laying on your sides, only inches away from the other…asking questions, telling stories, laughing and sometimes crying. But, the feeling of comfort and safety came so easily…to both of you.
“There are a lot…I suppose,” you began, giggling as you thought about the body of work you’d already put together, “I think about different things a lot, mostly about what kind of photographer I want to be, because that really directs the kinds of pictures I’ve taken. I’ve done the whole special event thing, which is always fun…I think honestly, taking pictures of other people, especially families, there is something about it that warms me inside. I guess it’s the feeling of happiness that kind of radiates from families when I’m capturing them. Like there is always someone that doesn’t want to be there. Whether it's the angsty teenager that could care less about being a family or the six month old that reminds the parents that maybe they should have planned better around their nap time. And of course there is always the person who scheduled the photos, mostly moms, but you can see in their face that they just want this one perfect picture and just want everyone to cooperate for like three seconds. Then there is the moment, the one perfect moment…the picture that I always know is going to be the one, but that they have no idea that’s the one they’ll choose. It’s always the one where everyone finally gives up and just accepts that it is what it is. They start laughing and mom stops trying to quiet the baby and the teenager stops rolling their eyes for one second, realizing how important it is to their mom…who they remember loves them, even though they are way too cool to care. It’s always candid, they aren’t thinking about perfection anymore…they just are. It’s incredible. I always get so happy, because I know it…”
You warmed, watching him as he looked at you, listening intently to every word you said. The warm smile on his face, taking everything about you in, beaming as you spoke about your thoughts. “You look so happy, right now,” you stopped for a moment, wondering what he was thinking. “Because you make me happy,” he spoke simply, never wasting a word, as he leaned over to kiss your forehead then your lips. “I realized that I always give these long ass answers,” you giggled, “...I get so worked up when I get to talk about my work.” “And I love it. I love seeing your face light up when you're passionate about something. There is this look in your eyes, you know how people talk about the ‘sparkle’ in people’s eyes…I honestly always thought that was a crock of shit,” you both started to laugh, “...but, I get it now, because I see it with you.” “Boyfriend,” you tilted your head to the side, taking in his sweetness, watching his shy slightly embarrassed smile appear, “you seriously are the sweetest man. I don’t even think you realize the impact of your kind words. Thank you for being so interested, it means so much to me.” “You mean so much to me…,” he smiled, tracing his finger along your hairline ever so softly, then you could see a different look in his eyes, one that you’d been catching since your morning on the beach.
“Is everything ok, baby?” you finally asked. You’d been wondering about the look, but you were afraid to ask. Not wanting the abundant joy that you’d been feeling since the moment you met him dampened. “Everything is perfect,” he wanted to reassure you, you could tell he believed it, but he was still holding back. “You know that I can tell that there is something more you’re thinking, right…” you smiled, “it’s ok to tell me, what you’re thinking even if it isn’t super happy.” He fell back onto the bed, overwhelmed really with how quickly you’d gotten to know him…the real him. “I know…” he began, “but, I don’t know if I’m ready to feel those feelings just yet.” “What feelings?” you asked, suddenly worried. He could tell and he instantly saved you from thinking the worst, “I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. I want this time off to last forever…but it isn’t going to and I’m scared to…lose you.” “Why would you lose me?” you were in complete panic mode, tears began to well up in your eyes, even though you were working so hard to remain grounded. “Baby,” he pulled you into his arms, squeezing you tight as he kissed the top of your head, “don’t be sad…I’m not planning on losing you. It’s just…being with me, comes with sacrifices and I don’t want you to have to sacrifice anything. I want you to be happy and live your life in the way that you get everything you want.” “But, you are everything I want,” you whispered, completely understanding that what he was saying was hard, and something you’d been wondering about…mostly about how he could even have a relationship.
He pulled your chin up so that he could look in your eyes, “and you are everything I want. Please hear that, I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. You are literally tied with music, which scares the fuck out of me, because music is literally everything to me. But you’ve opened me up in a way that I realized I’d closed up, because of this life…I just…you know my life isn’t here. It’s with you, but it’s not here, you know. I’ll have to go back to Korea soon…” “So, is there something in Korea that prevents you from being with me?” you had wondered about everything he was saying, scared, you’d been unwilling to really digest the thoughts of his vacation coming to an end. “That I’ll be in Korea and you’ll be here,” he wasn’t sure what you were asking, but he hated the idea of being away from you. “So, we do the long distance thing. I can do that. For you…I could do that,” you were confident in how you felt about him, that even though it would be hard, you were willing to do anything to love him and be with him. “I can’t let you do that,” he shook his head, feeling tears in his eyes, having realized that there was nothing more painful than what he was saying…which was the furthest thing from what he actually wanted.
“What do you mean…you can’t let me do that?” you were starting to feel like maybe you read the relationship wrong, maybe he was only interested in this intense time with you now, but not when it was time to leave. “I can’t let you sacrifice what you deserve…waiting for me,” he sat up, his mind racing with thoughts of how his life would be incomplete without you. “What do you mean…waiting for you? How would I be waiting for you…if we are together?” You understood what he was saying, long distance relationships were hard and you’d imagined how difficult it would be to carry on the kind of connection you’d built thousands of miles away from each other, but…without him, it would be more difficult. “Baby, you know what I mean. I’ll be in Korea, you’ll be here. I won’t be able to wake up next to you. Won’t be able to kiss you goodnight or cook you dinner. We’ll be in totally different time zones and my schedule would give me such limited ‘reasonable’ time to spend with you. I don’t want that for you. You deserve someone that can hug you when you have a bad day. Someone that can answer the phone when you call. Someone who can give you a fulfilling life…that candid perfect family picture. And I know…I can’t be that for you right now…and I don’t know when I could.” He turned his body to face you as you sat up to face him to tell him exactly how you felt, “but I never said anything about wanting…or needing that right now. I just want you and I’m willing to do whatever I have to do to be with you…can you do that for me?” “I’d do anything for you,” he assured, “I just…don’t want you to eventually regret it. I don’t want you to resent me for not being there…because it will matter one day, that I’m not answering when you call.”
“I appreciate what you’re saying. It makes me love you even more because I know you’re just thinking about me, but…I love you, Yoongi. I love you so much that I don’t care about sacrifice. I don’t care about any of those things. I care about you, I care that this is the strongest connection I’ve ever felt with anyone in my life. I care that every dream that I had before I met you, has shifted to include you. I care that my heart wants to love you and I’m not willing to stop. Just…give us a chance to work. Trust me to know what I want and that’s you,” you held your palm gently against his cheek, “I’m in love with you…right now, that’s literally ALL that matters to me.” “But…” he started and you kissed his lips to stop him from continuing. “No, let’s not think of anything that hasn’t happened. Let’s just be in the moment, taking it one day at a time…I propose that we live by the motto, ‘we’ll cross that bridge when we get there’...just ‘be’ with me,” you looked up at him with hope in your eyes, as his head had lowered slightly with the mixed feelings he was having. “Ok,” he spoke softly, “on one condition…” “Speak this condition and I will consider it,” you both laughed at your silliness, the feeling in the room finally lightening. “That you tell me how you are feeling, regardless of how you think I will feel or if any of what I’ve told you starts to trickle in. I want you to be happy and taken care of, if you’re not feeling that…you have to tell me,” he looked at you, as he took your hands in his, “promise me you’ll tell me.” “I promise, but you have to do the same for me,” you looked back at him, your heart overwhelmed with how much love you felt from him and for him. “I promise,” he answered with confidence and assurity.
“Ok, now that the hard stuff is decided,” you began, your eyes quickly changing into bedroom eyes, “you need to bring the hard stuff in your pants over here and make me happy and taken care of.” He burst out laughing and shifted to being on top of you as you both laughed, “I love you, girlfriend.” “I love you too, boyfriend,” you giggled before he placed his perfect kiss on your lips.
--
You were getting to know each other in ways that you’d never experienced in previous relationships. Every night with him was filled with conversations, deep thoughts, things neither of you had ever talked about with other people…things you never even wanted to with other people. You faced each other, laying on your sides, only inches away from the other…asking questions, telling stories, laughing and sometimes crying. But, the feeling of comfort and safety came so easily…to both of you.
“There are a lot…I suppose,” you began, giggling as you thought about the body of work you’d already put together, “I think about different things a lot, mostly about what kind of photographer I want to be, because that really directs the kinds of pictures I’ve taken. I’ve done the whole special event thing, which is always fun…I think honestly, taking pictures of other people, especially families, there is something about it that warms me inside. I guess it’s the feeling of happiness that kind of radiates from families when I’m capturing them. Like there is always someone that doesn’t want to be there. Whether it's the angsty teenager that could care less about being a family or the six month old that reminds the parents that maybe they should have planned better around their nap time. And of course there is always the person who scheduled the photos, mostly moms, but you can see in their face that they just want this one perfect picture and just want everyone to cooperate for like three seconds. Then there is the moment, the one perfect moment…the picture that I always know is going to be the one, but that they have no idea that’s the one they’ll choose. It’s always the one where everyone finally gives up and just accepts that it is what it is. They start laughing and mom stops trying to quiet the baby and the teenager stops rolling their eyes for one second, realizing how important it is to their mom…who they remember loves them, even though they are way too cool to care. It’s always candid, they aren’t thinking about perfection anymore…they just are. It’s incredible. I always get so happy, because I know it…”
You warmed, watching him as he looked at you, listening intently to every word you said. The warm smile on his face, taking everything about you in, beaming as you spoke about your thoughts. “You look so happy, right now,” you stopped for a moment, wondering what he was thinking. “Because you make me happy,” he spoke simply, never wasting a word, as he leaned over to kiss your forehead then your lips. “I realized that I always give these long ass answers,” you giggled, “...I get so worked up when I get to talk about my work.” “And I love it. I love seeing your face light up when you're passionate about something. There is this look in your eyes, you know how people talk about the ‘sparkle’ in people’s eyes…I honestly always thought that was a crock of shit,” you both started to laugh, “...but, I get it now, because I see it with you.” “Boyfriend,” you tilted your head to the side, taking in his sweetness, watching his shy slightly embarrassed smile appear, “you seriously are the sweetest man. I don’t even think you realize the impact of your kind words. Thank you for being so interested, it means so much to me.” “You mean so much to me…,” he smiled, tracing his finger along your hairline ever so softly, then you could see a different look in his eyes, one that you’d been catching since your morning on the beach.
“Is everything ok, baby?” you finally asked. You’d been wondering about the look, but you were afraid to ask. Not wanting the abundant joy that you’d been feeling since the moment you met him dampened. “Everything is perfect,” he wanted to reassure you, you could tell he believed it, but he was still holding back. “You know that I can tell that there is something more you’re thinking, right…” you smiled, “it’s ok to tell me, what you’re thinking even if it isn’t super happy.” He fell back onto the bed, overwhelmed really with how quickly you’d gotten to know him…the real him. “I know…” he began, “but, I don’t know if I’m ready to feel those feelings just yet.” “What feelings?” you asked, suddenly worried. He could tell and he instantly saved you from thinking the worst, “I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. I want this time off to last forever…but it isn’t going to and I’m scared to…lose you.” “Why would you lose me?” you were in complete panic mode, tears began to well up in your eyes, even though you were working so hard to remain grounded. “Baby,” he pulled you into his arms, squeezing you tight as he kissed the top of your head, “don’t be sad…I’m not planning on losing you. It’s just…being with me, comes with sacrifices and I don’t want you to have to sacrifice anything. I want you to be happy and live your life in the way that you get everything you want.” “But, you are everything I want,” you whispered, completely understanding that what he was saying was hard, and something you’d been wondering about…mostly about how he could even have a relationship.
He pulled your chin up so that he could look in your eyes, “and you are everything I want. Please hear that, I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. You are literally tied with music, which scares the fuck out of me, because music is literally everything to me. But you’ve opened me up in a way that I realized I’d closed up, because of this life…I just…you know my life isn’t here. It’s with you, but it’s not here, you know. I’ll have to go back to Korea soon…” “So, is there something in Korea that prevents you from being with me?” you had wondered about everything he was saying, scared, you’d been unwilling to really digest the thoughts of his vacation coming to an end. “That I’ll be in Korea and you’ll be here,” he wasn’t sure what you were asking, but he hated the idea of being away from you. “So, we do the long distance thing. I can do that. For you…I could do that,” you were confident in how you felt about him, that even though it would be hard, you were willing to do anything to love him and be with him. “I can’t let you do that,” he shook his head, feeling tears in his eyes, having realized that there was nothing more painful than what he was saying…which was the furthest thing from what he actually wanted.
“What do you mean…you can’t let me do that?” you were starting to feel like maybe you read the relationship wrong, maybe he was only interested in this intense time with you now, but not when it was time to leave. “I can’t let you sacrifice what you deserve…waiting for me,” he sat up, his mind racing with thoughts of how his life would be incomplete without you. “What do you mean…waiting for you? How would I be waiting for you…if we are together?” You understood what he was saying, long distance relationships were hard and you’d imagined how difficult it would be to carry on the kind of connection you’d built thousands of miles away from each other, but…without him, it would be more difficult. “Baby, you know what I mean. I’ll be in Korea, you’ll be here. I won’t be able to wake up next to you. Won’t be able to kiss you goodnight or cook you dinner. We’ll be in totally different time zones and my schedule would give me such limited ‘reasonable’ time to spend with you. I don’t want that for you. You deserve someone that can hug you when you have a bad day. Someone that can answer the phone when you call. Someone who can give you a fulfilling life…that candid perfect family picture. And I know…I can’t be that for you right now…and I don’t know when I could.” He turned his body to face you as you sat up to face him to tell him exactly how you felt, “but I never said anything about wanting…or needing that right now. I just want you and I’m willing to do whatever I have to do to be with you…can you do that for me?” “I’d do anything for you,” he assured, “I just…don’t want you to eventually regret it. I don’t want you to resent me for not being there…because it will matter one day, that I’m not answering when you call.”
“I appreciate what you’re saying. It makes me love you even more because I know you’re just thinking about me, but…I love you, Yoongi. I love you so much that I don’t care about sacrifice. I don’t care about any of those things. I care about you, I care that this is the strongest connection I’ve ever felt with anyone in my life. I care that every dream that I had before I met you, has shifted to include you. I care that my heart wants to love you and I’m not willing to stop. Just…give us a chance to work. Trust me to know what I want and that’s you,” you held your palm gently against his cheek, “I’m in love with you…right now, that’s literally ALL that matters to me.” “But…” he started and you kissed his lips to stop him from continuing. “No, let’s not think of anything that hasn’t happened. Let’s just be in the moment, taking it one day at a time…I propose that we live by the motto, ‘we’ll cross that bridge when we get there’...just ‘be’ with me,” you looked up at him with hope in your eyes, as his head had lowered slightly with the mixed feelings he was having. “Ok,” he spoke softly, “on one condition…” “Speak this condition and I will consider it,” you both laughed at your silliness, the feeling in the room finally lightening. “That you tell me how you are feeling, regardless of how you think I will feel or if any of what I’ve told you starts to trickle in. I want you to be happy and taken care of, if you’re not feeling that…you have to tell me,” he looked at you, as he took your hands in his, “promise me you’ll tell me.” “I promise, but you have to do the same for me,” you looked back at him, your heart overwhelmed with how much love you felt from him and for him. “I promise,” he answered with confidence and assurity.
“Ok, now that the hard stuff is decided,” you began, your eyes quickly changing into bedroom eyes, “you need to bring the hard stuff in your pants over here and make me happy and taken care of.” He burst out laughing and shifted to being on top of you as you both laughed, “I love you, girlfriend.” “I love you too, boyfriend,” you giggled before he placed his perfect kiss on your lips.
--
“Baby, be careful, don’t get that close to the edge,” he placed his hand on your arm, terrified of something happening to you. “Babe, I’m literally like 10 feet away from the edge,” you giggled, “you’re such a worrier.” He shrugged, “I will not apologize for making sure you are safe.” You’d made it to the next planned stop of his vacation, a trip to the Grand Canyon. You were excited when he told you that he’d planned on going, especially since you’d been working on building your portfolio, as it had been lacking in landscape photos. As you took your shots, in complete and total safety, he watched overly anxious that you’d fall. “You’re adorable. I love you, baby,” you smiled, kissing his cheek, watching as his proud cute shy face displayed. “I love you, too,” he kissed you and you went back to taking pictures. He finally relaxed and started to take pictures as well. You laughed as you caught him in a signature ‘old man’ pose as he snapped the beautiful site.
“Excuse me,” you got the attention of a nearby tourist, “would you please take a picture of me and my boyfriend?” The nice woman smiled and nodded, “oh, yes of course, dear.” “Babe,” you called Yoongi over and snuggled into his arm as both of you smiled at her. “Can you take a couple more, please?” She nodded and he handed her his camera and wrapped his arms around you. She snapped the first photo, then as he kissed your cheek, she snapped the next. “Thank you so much,” you both smiled as she handed you back your phones. He immediately scrolled to his phone gallery to see what she’d captured, his big gummy smile staring down at the screen. “Oh my gosh, that’s so good,” you gushed at the picture of him behind you, arms tightly around you. “I know, I can’t wait to print this and put it in my studio,” his shoulders scrunched in happiness. “Awww, boyfriend…you’re so cute,” you kissed him, the contentment that covered your body was immeasurable. “You are so beautiful. I’m so lucky to have you,” he smiled, placing his phone in his pocket as he hugged and kissed you. “Stop, you handsome perfect man,” you gushed as he shrugged shyly and kissed your cheek, before taking your hand to walk along the pathway that hugged the canyon.
There was never a time when you weren’t talking, laughing, joking…enjoying each other’s company. “Is there something professionally that you still hope to accomplish, baby?” He asked as you enjoyed the cool air and the incredible views. “Yes, so many things. My biggest goal is to be featured on a major cover for a famous feature, like People’s Most Beautiful Person or Time's Person of the Year or even just on the cover of Vogue or Vanity Fair or Rolling Stone. And honestly, I’ve always wanted to photograph two important acts, my boyfriend's group and Beyoncé,” you giggled shyly, your goal had always included doing a shoot with BTS. “Babe, are you serious?” He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you against his chest, as he snuggled into your neck with kisses. “Yes, I told you that I just wanted for you all to see my pictures, but as an ARMY and a photographer…I mean, that would be the dream. Of course, my dream has literally been coming true with all of the pictures I get to take of my hot and very sexy boyfriend, but yeah…those are mine,” you laughed, turning around to hug him. “That is very sweet,” he kissed your lips and whispered, “who knows…you might have an in now.”
“Excuse me,” you got the attention of a nearby tourist, “would you please take a picture of me and my boyfriend?” The nice woman smiled and nodded, “oh, yes of course, dear.” “Babe,” you called Yoongi over and snuggled into his arm as both of you smiled at her. “Can you take a couple more, please?” She nodded and he handed her his camera and wrapped his arms around you. She snapped the first photo, then as he kissed your cheek, she snapped the next. “Thank you so much,” you both smiled as she handed you back your phones. He immediately scrolled to his phone gallery to see what she’d captured, his big gummy smile staring down at the screen. “Oh my gosh, that’s so good,” you gushed at the picture of him behind you, arms tightly around you. “I know, I can’t wait to print this and put it in my studio,” his shoulders scrunched in happiness. “Awww, boyfriend…you’re so cute,” you kissed him, the contentment that covered your body was immeasurable. “You are so beautiful. I’m so lucky to have you,” he smiled, placing his phone in his pocket as he hugged and kissed you. “Stop, you handsome perfect man,” you gushed as he shrugged shyly and kissed your cheek, before taking your hand to walk along the pathway that hugged the canyon.
There was never a time when you weren’t talking, laughing, joking…enjoying each other’s company. “Is there something professionally that you still hope to accomplish, baby?” He asked as you enjoyed the cool air and the incredible views. “Yes, so many things. My biggest goal is to be featured on a major cover for a famous feature, like People’s Most Beautiful Person or Time's Person of the Year or even just on the cover of Vogue or Vanity Fair or Rolling Stone. And honestly, I’ve always wanted to photograph two important acts, my boyfriend's group and Beyoncé,” you giggled shyly, your goal had always included doing a shoot with BTS. “Babe, are you serious?” He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you against his chest, as he snuggled into your neck with kisses. “Yes, I told you that I just wanted for you all to see my pictures, but as an ARMY and a photographer…I mean, that would be the dream. Of course, my dream has literally been coming true with all of the pictures I get to take of my hot and very sexy boyfriend, but yeah…those are mine,” you laughed, turning around to hug him. “That is very sweet,” he kissed your lips and whispered, “who knows…you might have an in now.”
You laughed, “oh no, baby…I can’t do it now. That would be like cheating…but seriously, just getting to take pictures of you, for me, that’s honestly the best.” “Oh my god, girlfriend, stop it with all that cute shit. You don’t have to flatter me, I’ll let you hit this…anytime,” he chuckled as he held you against him. “And you can hit this anytime you want, boyfriend, but I’m serious. I’m so happy that I just get to capture you being my man,” you smiled and he kissed your cheek. “Well, should we get going, I’m kind of hungry. What about you, baby?” he asked, as he took your hand and started to walk again. “Yes, I’m good. Let me just take a few more from this angle,” you kissed his cheek and started to snap the view from varying perspectives. He walked away from you for a moment, seemingly taking in the view, sipping on his coffee. You tilted your head to the side and just looked at him, your heart overflowing with contentment. You took your phone out and snapped the picture and began to stare at it, your heart melting, all of it was just so…Yoongi. The thoughts in your mind were screaming out, ‘goddamn, I love him so fucking much. What am I going to do when he leaves…for real?’
“You doing ok, beautiful?” you heard his voice in front of you. You were so lost in thought and the picture that you hadn’t even realized he was there. After you talked about the glaring hurdle that your relationship would face, things felt more relaxed…easy. Just like capturing the perfect pictures of him. Always candid, just Yoongi being Yoongi. You were grateful for the opportunity to know him, not just for what he did professionally. But, even though you’d discussed what the future would be, which was that you would continue to be in a relationship, you hadn’t really thought about what that would actually be. Now, the ease wasn’t as comfortable, now it felt like you were going to freak out. Like right now…
“You doing ok, beautiful?” you heard his voice in front of you. You were so lost in thought and the picture that you hadn’t even realized he was there. After you talked about the glaring hurdle that your relationship would face, things felt more relaxed…easy. Just like capturing the perfect pictures of him. Always candid, just Yoongi being Yoongi. You were grateful for the opportunity to know him, not just for what he did professionally. But, even though you’d discussed what the future would be, which was that you would continue to be in a relationship, you hadn’t really thought about what that would actually be. Now, the ease wasn’t as comfortable, now it felt like you were going to freak out. Like right now…
